2006-03-11 - 5:53 p.m.
so, i read marquita's blog today and she said...
"I'm the observant sort so I'm marveling at these women who have cried on my shoulder about somebody who wasn't delicate enough with their feelings only to see these same women get involved and treat other people the way they hated being treated themselves."
first, i'm like damn, how she all up in my window like that?and i'm bugging because i know that i am on the receiving end of some twisted junk like this right now. and what's worse is that i can just feel myself falling into this same trap.
everything that i hated about the sterotypical black woman is what i see myself becoming. i'm trying to fight it and hold on to joy, but there are so many people with vacuum hoses set on high, locked and aimed at my peace and joy (and pocketbook), that i need to put up defenses to keep my hair and my sanity. i don't blame anybody but myself. i'm not claiming that i'm an innocent victim. i know full well that in this world of lions, it just doesn't pay to be a lamb.
i'm reminded of a part of ntozake's joint that says something to the effect of...
ever since i realized that there was something called a colored girl, and evil woman, abitch or a nag, i been trying not to be that.
but people don't respect you when you're nice. when you're giving, when you're patient. if you ain't all in their face talking junk and demanding stuff, you won't get it. nobody wants to take care of you just because you are taking care of them. they'd rather chase after the intangible and exciting. try to make some cold distant woman warm up and come close.
what i see now is that a lot of women don't want to be that way. you just have to be so hard and so mean and so vicious to people just to make sure that they don't try to f^$& you over. i have been so open to people, so willing to accept them for whoever they happen to be and all i've gotten for that is constant criticism and complaints. it's like they cannot be pleased. they have these insatiable appetites that are only fed by my constant submission. and i'm tired.
i'm so tired of doing something for 6 days and on the 7th day when i decide to rest having someone in my face talking about how i'm not being consistent. when i have to beg, plead and cry to get the smallest thing from them. and when they do that, they want a damn parade in their honor.
the after effect, is that i'm becoming the same cynical, complacent, skeptic that i hated. i don't trust anybody's intentions. i don't want to give anything to anybody because they don't appreciate it. i can't settle into any kind of relationship with people (friend, romatic, family, etc), because i feel that people use you for what they need and then leave. so, i'm becoming the very thing that i hated and shook my head at. it's a vicious cycle. and i swear i'm getting caught up in it. i'm fighting, i'm trying. but i don't think i'm winning.
