2005-10-26 - 6:59 a.m.
you ever notice how super heroes have no friends or loved ones? that they spend their life in service, but no one is there to meet their needs.
yesterday, i taught my students about a method of propaganda called card-stacking. this is where you give limited information in order to have your audience draw the conclusion you want them to draw. it's so amazing how soo many people do this in their everyday life. tell only the stuff they want you to know so you can believe only the stuff they want you to believe.
it's hard, though, to see which one is the most messed up. the one who gives this twisted, convoluted story to someone in order to get the result they desire, or the idiot who has no deductive reasoning skills and just goes along with the stupid story just because they need something to validate what they already need to believe in.
either way, i am so sick of being the villan. so tired of people and their half-baked stories of me. and even more tired of the dim-witted flunkies nodding in agreement at how wrong i have to be.
but just so i'm not giving half the story, let me tell you that it hurts. it hurts to have someone always standing in the wings of your stellar performance, counting each step you missed. hoping and prayin that you'll fall so they can have a chance to say that they knew you were a failure all along. that they "tried to tell you" that i was nothing. unworthy. that they're glad i'm finally out of the way so "we can all get back to running our bizness."
as hard as i fight to redeem myself, i feel like giving up sometimes. to let all those who would listen to that story, leave with that image of me. i'm tired. and hurt. and too old to try to convince someone else that i'm a good person and worth investing in. i guess it's time for me to do like all other super heroes of the world. go off to my own private lil sanctuary and try to get used to the solitude. my initial thought was, that would be selfish. that i would be leaving all the people who depend on me to do what i've always done. but it sure beats running myself ragged trying to impress someone else, then going home feeling unappreciated and used. i can't even like myself under these conditions. so, i am learning to care less and less how people feel about me. it's a lonely feeling though.
but necessary, i guess...
